Rkaye.

It’s only been 27 days into the year, & there’s so much going through my head already.

First. In all honestly, I love living on my own in Irvine. I KNOW it sounds really mean, and I feel totally guilty for saying this, but although I miss them, being away from family for a good two weeks… It just feels really good sometimes. 

Second. Third week of school, and I’m stressing like no other. I wish I hadn’t procrastinated. I have a draft for my research paper due this weekend that I haven’t really started. Chemistry midterm next Thursday. WAY behind on my readings for Asian American Studies. & Bio… I haven’t looked up anything for it at all. I don’t know what it is. I’ve lost all motivation, and kicking myself in the ass for it at the same time. I’m just… Too tired.

Third. I’ve come to realize that I’ve made some really good friends here. But… Maybe no one I can really super-spill all my emotions to yet. I guess that’s just because I’ve grown to keep my guard up for longer than usual now. And because I still haven’t found people who are just down for heart-to-heart conversations here. Lately, it seems like the people I hang out with are more into throwing quick-witted jokes at each other. Jokes. Lots of jokes. And although I find it really amusing, and don’t mind it at all… I just wish there was that person here I can just sit down with… and talk to. About everything. And anything.

Third… and a half. Looking back a year ago, I had my mind set on living up life being straightedge. I had completely nothing against it. It was just kind of a goal I set myself to do, to make myself proud. And it just wasn’t something I was interested in. This year… I’ve been offered a few times to drink, and every single time, I gave into peer pressure and did it. I don’t even like alcohol. And looking back now, I’m disappointed at the reasons to why I said yes to begin with. I had a catch-up talk with a friend a week or two ago, and he was telling me how his roommates liked to party a lot in their apartment, and how he realized it just wasn’t his scene. And he stood by that. It wasn’t the type of people he wanted to surround himself in. And… Now thinking about it… It’s not the type of people I want to surround myself in either. Or at least, I don’t want to turn into one of those people.

Then… There’s that boy I’ve been trying to convince myself not to like. It’s ridiculous how uncomfortable I now make myself feel when I start growing feelings for someone. I can’t even openly tell people about my crush on him because it just feels so… Weird. Or… I don’t even know what it is. I don’t even know the guy that well. Maybe I’m just infatuated because I find him cute. And he just happens to always be around. Whatever it is. I guess I’m just scared. I’m scared of getting my hopes up just to be pushed back down. I know, I’m pathetic for wanting to take the safe road. And not throw myself out there. But I don’t know. Only time will tell what’s going to really happen in the future.

This is what happens when I sit in my room too long, trying to study, but just reflecting on life instead. Ugh. Time to read. & possibly not sleep. Class in less than 7 hours.